Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
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