I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
