i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
