I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
