I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
