just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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