P.S. I can't hear my feet
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize