This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
