I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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