I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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