I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i jhust puked up my retainher.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
