ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
