so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
