I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
