i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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