When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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