okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
