i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
