You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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