Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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