i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
