I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
