She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
