OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
i've created a new STD.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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