good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
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