Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
