I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
