ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
