I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
