just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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