I cannot find my penis.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Randomize
