oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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