He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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