We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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