I think I won the penis lottery.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
