And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
foreskin is a definite game changer
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
