I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
