The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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