Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Randomize
