Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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