I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
