Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
