Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
