Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
