so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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