i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
