Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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