sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
