mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
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