just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
