she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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