Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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