You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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