He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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