the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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