Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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