Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Randomize
