Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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