I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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