walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
