How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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