Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize