You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
