My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
