if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
