alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I think i got beer on your cat.
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