I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
