Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
